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Were Ellen DeGeneres & Stephen “tWitch” Boss Estranged? Allison Holker Says…
So you think you know Allison Holker’s journey?
In her new memoir This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light released Feb. 4, the So You Think You Can Dance star reflects on her career, her relationship with husband Stephen “tWitch” Boss, his 2022 death by suicide and how she and their kids Weslie, 16, Maddox, 8, and Zaia, 5, are moving forward.
Allison admitted she wrestled with the idea of publicly sharing aspects of Stephen’s life that he had kept private.
“I was so conflicted about how much to share about Stephen’s final months,” she wrote. “It’s his story, after all, and he closely guarded it while he was alive.”
However, the former Dancing With the Stars pro hoped others could understand her desire to put pen to paper.
“I want to be clear that my only intention in writing the book is to share my own story as well as part of my life with Stephen to help other people,” she wrote in a message posted to her Instagram Story Jan. 8. “Just like you, I never really knew what happened, and even as I am trying to put the pieces together I will never really know.”
For those that read the book, she continued, “Hopefully you’ll see my intention is to celebrate the love and life I shared with Stephen and our three beautiful children, and also the more complex aspects of both of our lives.”
But there were plenty of people in her life that felt she should have kept that chapter under wraps.
In a Jan. 7 Instagram post, Courtney Ann Platt—who competed on season four of So You Think You Can Dance with Stephen as well as season seven with him and Allison—called the book “the most tacky, classless, opportunistic act I have ever seen in my entire life.”
Stephen’s brother Drè Rose and mother Connie Boss Alexander spoke out as well.
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“Our family is absolutely appalled by the misleading and hurtful claims made about my son, Stephen Boss,” the matriarch wrote on Instagram Jan. 9. “The recent publications spreading untruths about Stephen have crossed every line of decency. As his mother, I will not let these accusations go unanswered. We will not stand by while his name and legacy are tarnished.”
However, Allison expressed in her post that she believes, “If Stephen were able to choose, he would choose to have his story told if it meant saving even one life.”
To that end, Alison has pledged to donate proceeds from her memoir to Move With Kidness, the mental health organization she started for Stephen.
And from there she intends to move forward with her life, having moved her kids into a new home following Stephen’s death and even finding love again with boyfriend Adam Edmunds.
“I cannot—will not—let his decision define the rest of my life,” she wrote in the prologue of her book. “I have come this far, with milestones and milestones to go.”
Keep reading to see the revelations she shared.
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On Being Taken Advantage of by an Older Man
In This Far, Allison Holker recalled how she left her church in high school and got backlash from her community.
“I believed that I was a terrible person and that God hated me,” the author wrote. “And then, at seventeen, I had an experience so traumatizing that it seemed to confirm in my own mind the worst that people were saying about me.”
Allison declined to go into detail about what happened, but noted that “the fallout touched every part of my life.”
“There was an incriminating little voice inside my head telling me that it was my punishment from God for having turned my back on religion,” she added, “which I now can see was a terrible insult to God.”
Wanting to “put the incident behind” her, Allison continued, she kept it a secret.
“In retrospect, I wish I had taken action,” she shared. “I have so much sympathy and compassion for those in similar situations who are too scared to speak out. I hope by giving voice to my regrets, I motivate others to stand up for themselves.”
Allison further opened up about her experience in a recent interview.
“I had some older man really take advantage of the vulnerability that women go through, especially in the dance community where we look up to our teachers and we just trust them,” she said on the Jan. 27 episode of The Jamie Kern Lima Show. “And dance can be very physical. It can be very sexual, even at a young age. That was taken advantage of.”
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How She Actually Met Stephen “tWitch” Boss
After Allison competed on season two of So You Think You Can Dance and Stephen “tWitch” Boss danced his way to second place on season four, they both returned for season seven in 2010.
However, their meet-cute didn’t actually occur there.
“In my mind, Season 7 is when we met,” Allison wrote, “but that’s not technically true.”
Instead, the pair met five years prior at a party hosted by her season two dance partner Ivan Koumaev.
“One of the people Ivan knew from the hip-hop world approached me during the party,” Allison shared. “‘Hey, I’m tWitch,’ he said. tWitch huh? ‘That’s cute,’ I said. ‘What’s your real name?’ He appraised me admiringly. He’d been in Los Angeles for a while, he explained, and I was the first person who had asked him that. ‘Stephen Boss,’ he replied.”
Still, it wasn’t exactly love at first sight.
“It was obvious he had fun energy, but I could not get past his appearance,” Allison admitted. “His fishnet top revealed piercing in both nipples—those in addition to piercings in his nose, eyebrows, lip and chin. Also, he had dyed his hair blond and was rocking a mohawk! It was too much for this Utah girl, okay?”
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Their “Memorable Meetup” at a Glee Performance
However, a romance eventually formed—with Allison noting she and Stephen “officially got together” at a wrap party for season seven of So You Think You Can Dance.
Looking back at a “memorable meetup” in the early days of their relationship, she recalled how Stephen was part of a dance ensemble for the opening act of the Glee Live! In Concert tour and how they had been exploring the arena at one of his shows in Dublin before things got steamy.
“We ended up in the scaffolding above the stage—don’t ask me how—and started making out,” she remembered in This Far. “One thing led to another until we were in flagrante delicto. I can’t lie. It was one of the hottest things I’ve ever done. We were almost caught in the act by a security guard who appeared out of nowhere, shined his flashlight near us, and announced, ‘Who’s up there?’ We stifled giggles until the coast was clear, then hastily got dressed and rejoined the concertgoers.”
The Pressures of Social Media
Fast-forward to 2013 when Allison and Stephen tied the knot. Already parents to Weslie (born in 2008) from Allison’s past relationship, together they welcomed son Maddox in 2016 and daughter Zaia in 2019.
The family members offered glimpses into their lives on social media, posting footage of everything from their dance parties and Halloween costumes to their everyday lives at home.
However, Allison wondered if social media “became a stressor for Stephen toward the end.”
“He had it in his head that we should always look like that perfect family,” she wrote, “which was unrealistic.”
And Allison believes the constant praise Stephen received for his overwhelmingly positive personality created a level of pressure.
“As his fan base grew by leaps and bounds, he couldn’t step out in public, not to go grocery shopping or to the movie or out to eat, without being complimented on how joyous he was, how loving he seemed, how much positive energy he spread to everyone,” she wrote. “How he must have pushed himself to always come across as the person whom others saw. How exhausting it must have been for him.”
Still, Allison stressed the joyful moments captured in their videos were real.
“Stephen was navigating a complex emotional landscape,” she added. “He fluctuated between genuine happiness and profound sadness, flipping between the two as if his brain were a dimmer switch.”
On the End of The Ellen DeGeneres Show
After 19 seasons, The Ellen Degeneres Show ended in May 2022, a “bittersweet” moment for Stephen, who served as both DJ and, eventually, executive producer.
“He was sad to leave his other ‘home,’ but at the same time he saw it as an opportunity to shed his deejay role and branch out into new, more ambitious ventures,” she wrote. “Would he have liked to have taken Ellen’s place and become the host? One thousand percent yes, but several months of discussions with the network went nowhere. Stephen was disappointed, but in typical tWitch fashion he framed it in a positive light.”
Because they were quite booked and busy.
“I don’t believe the end of the show was destabilizing, because he wasn’t out of a job,” she said. “We had so many projects in the pipeline.”
However, it caused a “shift in Stephen’s routine.”
“For nine years, the show had given his days a structure and rhythm,” she explained. “No longer bound to a schedule, Stephen had more time to spend inside his head. The dark corners of his mind were not a healthy place for him to poke around in. The internal turmoil that he had suppressed while portraying happy-go-lucky tWitch on a daily basis started bubbling to the surface.”
According to Allison, Stephen also became more irritable, lost sleep and showed disinterest in work, hanging out with friends and participating in activities he used to enjoy.
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His Experiment With Ayahuasca
According to Allison’s book, Stephen decided to go on a trip to explore ayahuasca.
“The experience, which is guided by a shaman, is known for inducing intense hallucinations, altered perceptions of reality, and deep introspection,” she shared. “Stephen’s motivation was to confront the pressures of fatherhood, grapple with the absence of father figures in his own life and address his feelings of abandonment.”
However, things didn’t go as intended and Stephen had a friend pick him up early.
“I’ve come to understand that the recommended duration for such experiences is three to seven days, with weeks of follow-up work supervised by the shaman,” she wrote. “Stephen returned home after less than 12 hours and threw himself back into work.”
Allison suggested that only exacerbated the situation.
“I’ve since learned that for individuals with underlying mental health issues, ayahuasca can exacerbate deep-seated problems,” she wrote. “It can bring those issues to a boil, if you will, if there is not close supervision.”
As the Dancing With the Stars alum put it, “Stephen was never the same afterward.”
“The energy he gave off was different,” she continued. “It was not joyful, not so generous. It was like every day he woke up on the wrong side of the bed. He wasn’t angry or mean to people; he just seemed agitated.”
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On Stephen’s Alleged Drug Use
In This Far, Allison revealed what she learned about Stephen’s alleged drug use.
She knew that he smoked marijuana, she acknowledged, however, “I had no idea that Stephen was in an almost constant state of being high. He was even sneaking out to smoke on the Ellen set. And to the best of my knowledge, nobody knew.”
After later going through his phone app, Allison “realized he was visiting one of the handful of dispensaries in our area every night.”
Following Stephen’s death in December 2022, she recounted, she was going through his closet to pick out a pair of his beloved sneakers for his wake.
“What I found was a lot more than shoes,” she wrote. “There were ziplocked bags of psychedelic mushrooms—some of the bags were full; some were half-empty; a few contained only one or two mushrooms. There were other substances that I had to look up on my phone. It was a cornucopia of drugs. I was stunned.”
An autopsy obtained by E! News in May 2023 determined Stephen had no drugs or alcohol in his system at the time of his death.
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How They Celebrated Their Anniversary Days Before His Death
On Dec. 10, 2022, three days before Stephen died by suicide at age 40, he and Allison celebrated their ninth wedding anniversary with a trip to Laguna Beach, Calif.
During their weekend getaway, they discussed having more kids, purchased a sculpture together and she shared with him a song she wrote called “Better Together.”
He, in turn, gifted her a black Prada suit.
Now, she reflected, “The questions are endless. Did he buy me a black Prada suit so I’d have a nice outfit to wear to his funeral? And if he did, was it one last gesture by an incurable romantic or just messed up beyond belief?”
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On Stephen’s Last Day
In the book, Allison detailed the last time she and her kids saw Stephen.
She and Zaia had returned from taking Maddox to school, she wrote, and Stephen was talking to their assistants and nannies before driving Weslie to class.
“As they headed out the door, I said, ‘See you. Love you,'” Allison remembered. “I didn’t even say goodbye.”
After a Starbucks run, she continued, Stephen took Weslie to school and told the teen, “I wish I could have been your Superman.”
“It was an odd statement, but Weslie didn’t dwell on it; she dismissed it as a weird dad moment,” Allison said. “They exchanged I love yous before he pulled out of the school lot. It was the last time she would see him. I can’t get it out of my head that Stephen was already saying goodbye in his own way hours before he disappeared.”
Later, Stephen didn’t meet her at the gym or office as planned but still replied to messages from their team about a video shoot set for the next day. That afternoon, Allison saw his car in the driveway but soon realized he wasn’t home.
In the book, she recounted trying to contact Stephen but receiving no answer—leading her to reach out to his assistant, brother, friend and hospitals and file a missing persons report. While Allison says she thought Stephen had possibly checked into a recovery center, police then informed her he died by suicide Dec. 13, 2022.
“I raced down the hall shrieking,” she wrote. “The sound that escaped from my throat was feral.”
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On His Funeral
Stephen’s wake was held in January 2023.
In the book, Allison noted there were elements of the service she and his family disagreed on, including his family wanting an open casket. Ultimately, she decided a small group of his family members could view the open casket before it was closed for the remainder of the wake—adding that no photos or videos could be taken out of fear they’d somehow end up online.
“At the advice of my lawyers, I insisted that everybody who viewed the open casket sign a nondisclosure agreement to protect Stephen’s privacy, a requirement that exasperated his family,” Allison shared. “‘If we have to sign NDAs,’ they said, ‘then everybody has to sign NDAs.'”
According to the book, a funeral was held the next day followed by a Celebration of Life event—with Allison, Weslie, Ellen DeGeneres, Loni Love and Wayne Brady being among the speakers at the February memorial.
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On Those NDAs
In August 2023, Stephen’s brother Drè Rose shared a message of concern about “the treatment of our beloved mother and family, which has caused us great distress.”
“Notably,” Drè added in the Instagram post, “it seems to stem from the fact that the family did not agree with the original terms of the NDA you presented the family to sign.”
Dré also shared that Weslie, Maddox and Zaia’s interactions with Stephen’s relatives “have been noticeably limited.”
In her book, Allison acknowledged she learned that members of Stephen’s family “were criticizing me on social media for my handling of the funeral, for the NDAs, and for failing to attend a Boss family reunion that I hadn’t even been invited to.” However, she said that she tried to “practice empathy for a woman who had given birth to the love of my life.”
Allison also denied the allegation that she was keeping the children from them, writing that she flew Stephen’s mom from Arizona to California and back for a Grandparents’ Day event at school, has had the kids FaceTime her and has sent photos.
In addition, she alleged that someone in Stephen’s family that she declined to name blamed her for his death.
“The person would later apologize, and I would forgive them,” she wrote. “But there would be no forgetting those words.”
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Reading Stephen’s Journal
In This Far, Allison also recalled going through Stephen’s journal after his death.
“A few of his entries would allude to sexual abuse he endured as a child at the hands of an adult male,” she wrote, “a trauma he detailed in strict confidence to his friend, who relayed the conversation to me only after Stephen’s death.”
On Their Finances
Given their dance stardom on TV, social media fame and brand deals, many assumed Stephen and Allison didn’t need to worry about money. But in her book, Allison told a different story.
“It’s a misconception that I inherited Stephen’s wealth,” she detailed. “The reality is quite different. He had given away substantial sums of money to family and friends and spent recklessly on drugs and his weird art collections. The tax bill that he left me with for the year he died was $1 million. I’m not sure who was more distressed, me or the accountant who had to deliver the news.”
According to Allison, “Paying that debt depleted his accounts.” In addition, she wrote that Stephen’s death by suicide put her in breach of contract with certain business partners, that some brands stopped working with her, and that she had to catch up on bills.
However, Allison appeared to send a message to anyone accusing her of just releasing the book for money.
“All of my proceeds from this book are going to fund the mental health focused foundation I started in Stephen’s honor, Move With Kindness,” she wrote in a Jan. 8, 2025 Instagram Stories post. “My hope is that we don’t need to lose another husband, brother, father or friend to suicide.”
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On Receiving Visits From Stephen After Death
Even after Stephen’s death, Allison has felt his presence—including in her dreams.
“I experienced a slideshow of memories; then everything went black,” she recalled in This Far about one dream she had two days after his death. “I started shaking, and the whole room became a moving set. A face appeared like the full moon in the night sky. It kept morphing into three faces, only one of which I recognized. It was Stephen. His lips started to move. I could clearly make out what he was saying: I’m sorry. I love you.”
After Allison woke up, she continued, she felt a sense of peace.
“My husband no longer existed, but for the first time since he died, I could feel his presence,” she wrote. “‘Thank you, my love,’ I said, ‘for comforting me.'”
Instagram / Allison Holker
How She Feels About Stephen Now
Still, she admitted emotions surrounding her late husband are complicated.
“It is difficult to reconcile my feelings,” she wrote in the prologue of her book. “I’m sad that Stephen would leave us this way because he was truly a good person, an incredible husband and father who positively influenced everyone with whom he came into contact. Although I don’t want him to be remembered for his final decision, I cannot ignore the impact is has had on our lives.”
Throughout the book, Allison opened up about how she’s felt anger over the way Stephen died while still holding a place for him in her heart.
“Romanticizing someone who has taken their life is dangerous. No one choosing this path ought to be glorified,” she noted. “It’s possible to hate the act and have great love and empathy for the person who made that decision. It’s okay to be extremely upset with Stephen while still greatly admiring him. Those emotions can coexist.”
However, she said, it’s crucial for her to move forward.
“I don’t talk to Stephen anymore like I did the first year he was gone, and that’s okay,” she wrote. “I no longer feel tethered to him. The kids and I are slowly but surely shaking free of the trauma that chained us to him. I don’t doubt Stephen is watching over us, and that gives me comfort. But I no longer rely on him the way I used to. I trust my own instincts a lot more. A year ago, I couldn’t have seen a way forward that gave me a clear view of the horizon.”
If you or someone you know needs help, call 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can also call the network, previously known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 800-273-8255, text HOME to 741741 or visit SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for additional resources.
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