A Colleague Tried to Mansplain to Me, but It Backfired on Him

Mansplaining is something many of us may have come across, at some point in our careers. Usually, it happens to women, although the term itself simply means when someone tries to explain something to another person, in a derogatory and condescending manner. Something similar happened to this 33-year-old Reddit user, with a huge twist in her story, which saw her getting even with her mansplainer! This is how it all unraveled.

“I work in a very male-dominated field.”

It’s small, technical, and specific. I won’t give too much information on it, as I think you could easily find my identity if I did, but let’s just say it’s a sub category of law. I graduated 9 years ago (for anyone wondering, the system in my country is different from what’s in the US, so I only studied for 5 years), and am now a lawyer.

I’m also a researcher. I published some work here and there, but nothing too major, and no one outside that field knows my work. Recently, I met a man who works in the same field. In fact, I went to a bar with a couple of friends, who introduced me to him. I was pretty excited to meet him because it’s rare to meet people who work in that field.

He doesn’t exactly do the same thing as I do, he’s not a lawyer but a legal advisor, but we work on the same topics. We started talking, and had different opinions. I explained my POV to him. He replied by saying that my opinion was based on nothing. He said that his were based on the work of a professional. You guessed it, it was me, the professional he was talking about.

“He started explaining my work to me, but I kept quiet.”

He missed all of my points. I asked him if he was sure that that was what the author meant, and he said that he was because it was “pretty simple actually”. For another good 20 minutes, he explained all of it to me in detail, like I was a first year law student. I didn’t say anything because it was pretty funny to watch him say things that were completely wrong with so much confidence.

After that, the topic changed and the night went on. Before leaving, I told him the truth, and he said that I humiliated him. I told him that I was actually the person that wrote the work he had quoted, and that he hadn’t really understood it. He reacted very badly and got angry. He yelled at me for not saying it was my work at the beginning.

“I simply replied that he had embarrassed himself and left.”

I woke up this morning to texts from my friends saying I was wrong for causing drama and tension and that I could’ve been nicer to their friend. I’m not sure if I’m in the wrong there. I mean, yes, I could’ve told him right away, but is it that big of a deal that I didn’t?

Edit: Both conversations happened only between the two of us. We were the only ones talking about our work, and our friends also weren’t really there when I told him that I was the author. So it’s not like I publicly humiliated him. The only thing “embarrassing” for him here is that a woman seemed smarter than him, and I think that’s what he had an issue with.Edit 2: I’ve seen some comments claiming that this post was fake because “that just doesn’t happen”, “I’ve seen many other stories where the same thing happens”, “that’s not realistic”. I’m not trying to justify anything because I don’t really care, but I just find it funny to see lots of comments from women sharing similar stories and then lots of comments from men saying it doesn’t happen.Redditors stood by the woman.

This is as good as that man on X (formerly known as Twitter) that tried to tell Margaret Atwood which religious doctrine The Handmaid’s Tale was a critique of! YarnPenguin / RedditHe was outclassed and potentially made some massive career errors. Being plain wrong, to start with, and then being enough of a misogynist to behave like that without realizing you were the author. You took the trash out. He probably behaves like this in the office too, so taking him down a peg probably hit too hard. According-Addendum65 / RedditA decent person would just laugh and apologize, admitting he really must’ve looked funny to you, and then respectfully ask to explain the points he did not get. No matter how late you revealed the truth, and even if you said that a little later— any sane, healthily confident person would apologize for misinterpreting your text. He could continue arguing, but how he reacted was not normal. You’re OK. Constant-Goat-2463 / RedditHe’s the idiot. Twice. Maybe three times. Firstly for mansplaining. Second for kicking off. And possibly third for whining to your friend.
You merely listened politely, and gave him enough rope to hang himself. Not your fault he took it. Opening-Worker-3075 / RedditAs a woman in a male dominated field as well, it’s exhausting keeping up with these emotional outbursts from men. It’s tedious because men don’t consider anger an emotional response. That guy made himself look like an idiot & got mad at you for it.
That’s ridiculous. If it were the other way around, he’d be chucking it up. —slurpy— / RedditAnother woman had a similar story to share.

I’m a scientist/engineer in a highly technical field with hundreds of publications and several books in my name. I can’t tell you HOW many times in my life I’ve been in similar circumstances, and how many different techniques I’ve tried to avoid hurting the feelings of a mansplainer. None of which has been effective.

Here are just a few examples of these sorts of encounters in my life:

One time, when being told I was wrong on a topic in a casual conversation with a guy (and, being tired, I was just fed up with being polite) I told him that I literally wrote the book on that topic — and he just walked away without comment.Another time in a similar situation I decided to gently explain the error in his thinking when a guy was explaining, incorrectly, a process I had developed; I couldn’t bear the idea he might waste considerable time in his work going down the wrong path. He doubled down, adamantly telling me I was wrong! I finally just tapped the name tag I was wearing at the event and suggested perhaps he should research the history of the topic?Once, when I was very young and a newly-minted, shy scientist at a new job, I had an older gentleman fill up a whole whiteboard explaining his proof of a concept; however, an early step in the calculus he was writing was incorrect. I did not know what to say. I turned bright red, trying not to look at the part of the board with the error.
A few days later we ran into each other in the hall, and he apologized, told me he had made an error in our discussion. I again blushed and told him not to worry, I noticed his derivation mistake and had figured out the solution while we were “talking.” He was very surprised, but had the grace to ask why I hadn’t corrected him.
When I explained that I wasn’t sure WHAT to do in that situation, he gave me good advice: no matter how it gets received, I have a duty as a scientist to always speak the truth.I have always tried in my subsequent career to follow that advice (even when it results in being ridiculed or harassed.)

LompocianLady / Reddit

Some Redditors questioned her friends as well.

Kudos to you for being so calm when he mansplained your own research! Question: Did your friends also reprimand their friend for screaming at you? I mean, that wasn’t exactly friendly either… Lauuria / RedditAsk your friend(s) why they were happy to let you be called an idiot and insulted all night while you created a scene with a single comment. You didn’t manipulate this guy, unless you started the conversation to show off. He decided to be rude and as you said embarrassed himself. Timely_Egg_6827 / RedditYour “friends” are not your friends if they failed to see he plagiarized your work, completely misunderstood it, and made a fool out of himself, and you were just being kind and pointing out he got it all wrong. His taking it poorly is all on him. But your friends defending him and taking his side is something I would be wary of. healingadept / RedditClearly, this woman knew how to take the wind out of her mansplainer’s sails. That said, here are other ways to defuse an argument and avoid any escalation.