More Chinese Couples Are Choosing to Live Apart. Is It Worth It?

More couples in China are living in separate cities to balance careers and family goals. Women, particularly those with higher education degrees, are more likely to actively choose this arrangement. But such marriages often come with emotional strain, unequal gender roles, and a decreased desire to bear children.

These were among the key findings of a new study published recently in China Youth Studies, a domestic academic journal focusing on youth-related issues, by researchers from Xi’an Jiaotong University in the northwestern Shaanxi province.

“Commuter marriages” refer to couples living in separate cities to pursue individual career goals. As China’s population mobility accelerates, this arrangement has become increasingly common among urban youth. But the term originated in the West, particularly in the United States, where it described couples maintaining long-distance relationships due to professional commitments.

In recent years, the trend has sparked heated debate on Chinese social media. A related hashtag has amassed millions of views on the microblogging platform Weibo, with the majority arguing that long-distance marriages are significantly harder to maintain.

One widely shared post reads: “Sacrificing the emotional closeness of marriage for career development is a loss for both. After all, the reason one person chooses to work elsewhere in the first place is for a better life.”

Across China, local governments have acknowledged the trend, some even taking steps to address the challenges such couples face. In 2015, Heze, a city in the eastern Shandong province, introduced a “reunion policy” aimed at reassigning municipal government and state-owned enterprise employees to reduce the strain of long-distance marriages.

The Xi’an Jiaotong University study, published online on Dec. 27, focused on the underlying decision-making logic and inherent risks associated with this modern marriage model. Researchers interviewed 15 individuals, aged 29 to 32, from nine cities. Most were college-educated, married for one to six years, with frequent separation periods ranging from two weeks to four months.

The study found that commuter marriages are often a rational choice driven by career ambitions, financial instability, and a desire for long-term family security. For many couples, living apart is not a passive compromise but an active decision made to maximize opportunities in an increasingly competitive urban job market.

“Urban youth choose commuter marriages in the hope of achieving a balance between marriage and career, personal and family life, as well as short-term and long-term goals by sacrificing time and space,” the researchers wrote. The study underscored that such choices, while rational, are often made with a sense of reluctance, and are fraught with risks.

The study also highlighted significant emotional and practical challenges, with couples often struggling to maintain intimacy and connection over long periods of physical separation. Researchers noted that while communication technologies proved helpful, they cannot fully replace in-person interaction, especially during moments of personal or family crisis.

For instance, one interviewee expressed disappointment over their spouse’s absence in a time of need, underscoring the limitations of virtual communication in sustaining emotional bonds.

These emotional strains are often compounded by unequal gender dynamics. One 29-year-old female interviewee said: “Besides work, I also have to play many roles, like daughter-in-law, mother, and so on… If there are any issues with the child’s studies or anything else, everyone comes to me, as if raising the children is solely my responsibility. The man just needs to focus on making money.”

These pressures often extend to decisions about starting or expanding a family. The study found that commuter marriages can contribute to delayed childbearing, driven by financial pressures, career priorities, and the physical distance between spouses. This pattern, researchers suggest, could further impact China’s already declining birth rate.

To address the challenges of commuter marriages, the study suggested targeted policies to ease emotional strain, promote more equitable gender roles, and provide better resources for reproductive health and family planning. “Commuter marriages are still a ‘makeshift’ choice made under insufficient conditions, a ‘passive’ decision driven by a lack of social structural support, the authors wrote.”

Editor: Apurva.

(Header image: VCG)